Old Age Humour

Sex Avoidance Techniques

The simplest route to a hassle free sex life is not to have any sex at all. However, a life of abstinence can be difficult to follow, especially if you have a partner who is younger than you are or who has not accepted that they too are Past~It. But perseverance will bring its reward and release you to enjoy other pleasures once you are free from the stressful obligation to perform. The following Kalmer Sutra techniques will help you in your struggle.

§ Start each and every day by reciting this mantra five times:

Sex, sex, sex, sex.

This will fulfil your daily quota of sex~time. By getting it over with, first thing, you can enjoy the rest of the day free from the need to think about sex.

§ Do not fake orgasm, fake the whole intercourse – or better still fake the whole relationship.

§ Thwart any weird sexual urges your partner may foster. If he or she is keen to join the mile high club make him or her settle for the half-mile high club which involves little more that some fumbled groping shortly after take off.

§ If your partner still suffers from sexual desires, consider having as affair with an ugly oldie. This will allow you a few nights each week when you can meet up with your ‘lover’ in a seedy hotel room and just relax together in front of the television enjoying repeats of Coronation Street.

§ Refuse to have sex on a first date – insist on waiting at least until your second wedding anniversary.

§ Have children – there is no greater obstacle to sex.

§ Careful selection of a movie, to watch before going to bed can help dampen even the most passionate of spirits – ‘Silence of the Lamb’ makes an excellent choice.

§ Steer clear of aphrodisiacs. If your partner insists on eating oysters counteract the effect by consuming large quantities of garlic and pickled onions.

§ Make your partner a big mug of Horlics before bed, this is an excellent passion poopers – especially if laced with a fast acting sleeping tablet!

§ If your partner is still in the habit of demanding that you perform a strip tease from time to time, do not cause unnecessary friction by refusing the request – however do insist on turning the lights out first!

§ Always keep sexual protectives beside your bed – a handy pack of aspirin can save you from many an unwanted advance.

The Little Book of Calm for Cats By Stuart & Linda Macfarlane Illustrated by Erika Oller The Little Book of Calm for Cats helps cats find moments of calm in their frenzied existence. By following the book's advice serenity and tranquillity will once again permeate each of their nine lives.

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